Rant to a Friend

I have waited too long for this.

And maybe there were times when I was too scared.

No. I have been scared for the whole time. In many things that I’ve wanted to do.

I never felt the fear because I’d always cover it up with some excuse that made a lot of sense.

But it makes no sense to have lived in fear like this.

My fate is finally in my hands.

If I should fail in my goals again, I will fail without fear.

That’s what I felt junior year then, that edge, that feeling that I never felt before.

There were matches when I was in that zone of fearlessness. I was consumed with that desire to beat my opponent.

I wish to taste that again.

Even as I fatigue from restless sleep.

Even as some friends come and go.

I want that power again.

I’m still scared. But I fear the fate of my friend more than the fate of myself.

When I have that power in my hands once again, I can hold my fate.

And be able to confront such suffering in this world.

Want to know how my dad became friends with Sallie?

Her late husband liked my dad’s music a lot.

My dad played his music for her husband while he was on his deathbed.

To use something of yours that you’re passionate about to relieve the suffering of others; I’d like to find that.

I tried doing that once fairly recently, writing a letter to a suicidal mother. I didn’t expect to save her, but I hoped to relieve her a bit.

No such relief came.

I can see my friend’s hurt in her face nowadays.

She once told me, “You’re such a happy spirit. I wish I could be more like you.”

But I can’t be happy as one of my closest friends is like this.

However, I can find this power again.

And perhaps when I finally drive my fate, I’ll finally be able to help her.

And kinda be like my dad someday.

Few people get to see what I really feel.

Sometimes I wonder if I just have some kind of odd charade going on all the time during school.

But I guess everybody plays that little game all the time too.

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Friends Aren’t Replaceable

My friends are NOT dispensable, replaceable commodities. I can’t just pick one off the shelf of some Friends R Us store and say to myself, “Gee, I think this one can understand me pretty well, I think I’ll get this one.” I can’t take one to a store clerk and ask if the friend comes with a lifetime warranty. Because they are NOT dispensable, replaceable commodities.

Perhaps friendship ROLES are replaceable, because those can be dynamic and aren’t always static. But FRIENDS aren’t replaceable. The way they fill those roles, the things they’ve done for you… that can’t be replaced.

Awaiting the Season… With Raging Impatience

I can’t wait for wrestling season to begin again. I’ve been raring to go for a while now. A large part of it is an excitement to finally have a great year in my wrestling career. Mostly though, I want to bleed out the anger. The anger of past indignities and the anger of present helplessness. Nowadays I don’t focus a lot on past defeats. I usually just use them as temporary motivation by thinking about them as I’m working out. The present however, is more permanent.

Ever watch a friend’s world collapse in front of your very eyes? Knowing that there’s only so much you could do for them? I know that I’ve been doing what I can, but I still desire to tap into some cosmic power for some serious divine intervention.

In fact, I ended up writing a letter to a suicidal mother to show my gratitude for her children, who have done so much for me. When I wrote the letter, I understood that there might not have been much time left, and worried after writing it about its delivery. I know now that the mom read it and liked (loved, maybe, but I only had her daughter’s word to go by) it, but I understand that a small letter isn’t necessarily capable of fully reversing someone’s suicidal intent. However, if she was to take her life anyway, she should know a little more about her legacy. It would have only been right.

I honestly can’t imagine that shit. I really can’t. It must be so bizarre and painful and surreal to see your mom breaking down like that. To see your parents cling to each other, leaving you to your own devices, leaving you to deal with all of it yourself.

And that’s why I’m getting sick with anger over this. I can’t say, “Yeah, I understand,” I can’t make assurances such as, “Everything will be alright in the end,” because they could become empty in the end. I can listen, yes, but listening isn’t everything that a friend needs. For some people, I’m convinced that it doesn’t work at all.

I haven’t seen my friend for the past five days. I have no idea of what’s going on and anything could have happened. Part of it is because of the three day Labor Day weekend, but not being here for school two days in a row really bothers me.

She once said to me, “I wish I was more like you. You’re such a happy spirit.” I can’t be a happy spirit if my friends are like this. I don’t think people realize how angry I can get, especially over shit like this. I’m seriously so maddened right now.

And that’s why I anxiously await the new season. Anger contained for too long gets a really rancid feeling, and like bleeding out a snake bite, I wish to work it all out. I want to feel like I’m building towards something, to feel like I’m capable again. If I can’t do one thing, I damn sure should be able to do another.

Day 28: Someone That Changed Your Life

I’m going to talk about a person that subtly changed my life. The kind of change that isn’t realized until further self-investigation is completed.

One of my Internet friends, Sophia… she made me realize once again how youth can bring such vulnerability. And such willingness to trust. Never have we come face to face, yet she’s willing to talk about some of her more serious current problems with me. She is at least three years younger than me, but already less innocent. Far more vulnerable than I though.

I feel like, in a way, we lose this ability to trust as we age, probably because we’ve been disappointed so many times as we accumulate years on this world. For better or worse, we lose it. I’d prefer to have it as I grow, however. I definitely live life happier knowing that I can trust my circle.

Day 26: The Person I Last Made a Pinky Promise to

Pinky promises are serious, you don’t break those. That’s why it’s awkward when I realize that I don’t even remember what my last one was about. I’m pretty sure that I made it to Luci, this chick from Chile, but I forget what it was about. I guess to remember her? Yeah, I have enough reasons to remember her, huehuehue. She was a piece of work. She’s nice though, I hope she’s having fun back in Chile.

Lesson: don’t forget next pinky promise. Otherwise, accumulate massive negative karma.

Day 25: The Person Going Through the Worst of Times

Oops, late post. To be honest I’ve been enjoying some seriously epic animation yesterday… I was waiting for this particular Naruto episode for a while… guess I gotta buy a self-flagellation machine for my missed post… ANYWAY.

This year is really weird in that a majority of my friends have gone through or are currently going through tough times this year. Most of my problems are really my friends’ problems; I’m probably one of the most stable kids you’d ever meet. I have my moments sometimes though.

I’d have to say that the people going through the toughest stuff are my besties Joe and Nini. Their family went through some serious dysfunction, like I don’t even know what the hell is going on most of the time. Nini usually claims that things are fine, but honestly I can only believe her on that for around 70% of the time, which is way too low of a percentage for my tastes. Joe pretty much ragequit on the whole thing and left… and maybe I would too if I were him.

It’s not my business to get into much more of this, especially since 1) I haven’t been there and don’t know what truly happened and 2) it’s not even resolved yet and 3) it’s their business, and I’ll keep it that way.

Honestly, you always have to keep your life in perspective: someone always has it worse than you.

Day 24: The Person That Gave You Your Favorite Memory

Normally I don’t believe in wishing for anything. It seems un-proactive. If you desire something, I believe that you should pursue it. Despite this bravado, I had one anyway: to hang out with Lauren before she graduated. It was on my birthday too.

It was a good day too. Nothing fancy, we just hung out during lunch and talked. But I got what I wanted. And the necklace she gave me… I still wear it every day. I only take it off if I’m going to wrestle, swim, or shower. I get all kinds of freaked out if I think that I’ve lost it or something. I even saw it bent out of shape a little bit and flipped. I bent it back in place, and after being satisfied that it won’t bend out again, I finally relaxed.

My 17th birthday is still my favorite one. And all because a friend decided to hang out with me. Who could’ve thought.