I have waited too long for this.
And maybe there were times when I was too scared.
No. I have been scared for the whole time. In many things that I’ve wanted to do.
I never felt the fear because I’d always cover it up with some excuse that made a lot of sense.
But it makes no sense to have lived in fear like this.
My fate is finally in my hands.
If I should fail in my goals again, I will fail without fear.
That’s what I felt junior year then, that edge, that feeling that I never felt before.
There were matches when I was in that zone of fearlessness. I was consumed with that desire to beat my opponent.
I wish to taste that again.
Even as I fatigue from restless sleep.
Even as some friends come and go.
I want that power again.
I’m still scared. But I fear the fate of my friend more than the fate of myself.
When I have that power in my hands once again, I can hold my fate.
And be able to confront such suffering in this world.
Want to know how my dad became friends with Sallie?
Her late husband liked my dad’s music a lot.
My dad played his music for her husband while he was on his deathbed.
To use something of yours that you’re passionate about to relieve the suffering of others; I’d like to find that.
I tried doing that once fairly recently, writing a letter to a suicidal mother. I didn’t expect to save her, but I hoped to relieve her a bit.
No such relief came.
I can see my friend’s hurt in her face nowadays.
She once told me, “You’re such a happy spirit. I wish I could be more like you.”
But I can’t be happy as one of my closest friends is like this.
However, I can find this power again.
And perhaps when I finally drive my fate, I’ll finally be able to help her.
And kinda be like my dad someday.
Few people get to see what I really feel.
Sometimes I wonder if I just have some kind of odd charade going on all the time during school.
But I guess everybody plays that little game all the time too.