I can’t wait for wrestling season to begin again. I’ve been raring to go for a while now. A large part of it is an excitement to finally have a great year in my wrestling career. Mostly though, I want to bleed out the anger. The anger of past indignities and the anger of present helplessness. Nowadays I don’t focus a lot on past defeats. I usually just use them as temporary motivation by thinking about them as I’m working out. The present however, is more permanent.
Ever watch a friend’s world collapse in front of your very eyes? Knowing that there’s only so much you could do for them? I know that I’ve been doing what I can, but I still desire to tap into some cosmic power for some serious divine intervention.
In fact, I ended up writing a letter to a suicidal mother to show my gratitude for her children, who have done so much for me. When I wrote the letter, I understood that there might not have been much time left, and worried after writing it about its delivery. I know now that the mom read it and liked (loved, maybe, but I only had her daughter’s word to go by) it, but I understand that a small letter isn’t necessarily capable of fully reversing someone’s suicidal intent. However, if she was to take her life anyway, she should know a little more about her legacy. It would have only been right.
I honestly can’t imagine that shit. I really can’t. It must be so bizarre and painful and surreal to see your mom breaking down like that. To see your parents cling to each other, leaving you to your own devices, leaving you to deal with all of it yourself.
And that’s why I’m getting sick with anger over this. I can’t say, “Yeah, I understand,” I can’t make assurances such as, “Everything will be alright in the end,” because they could become empty in the end. I can listen, yes, but listening isn’t everything that a friend needs. For some people, I’m convinced that it doesn’t work at all.
I haven’t seen my friend for the past five days. I have no idea of what’s going on and anything could have happened. Part of it is because of the three day Labor Day weekend, but not being here for school two days in a row really bothers me.
She once said to me, “I wish I was more like you. You’re such a happy spirit.” I can’t be a happy spirit if my friends are like this. I don’t think people realize how angry I can get, especially over shit like this. I’m seriously so maddened right now.
And that’s why I anxiously await the new season. Anger contained for too long gets a really rancid feeling, and like bleeding out a snake bite, I wish to work it all out. I want to feel like I’m building towards something, to feel like I’m capable again. If I can’t do one thing, I damn sure should be able to do another.