Rant to a Friend

I have waited too long for this.

And maybe there were times when I was too scared.

No. I have been scared for the whole time. In many things that I’ve wanted to do.

I never felt the fear because I’d always cover it up with some excuse that made a lot of sense.

But it makes no sense to have lived in fear like this.

My fate is finally in my hands.

If I should fail in my goals again, I will fail without fear.

That’s what I felt junior year then, that edge, that feeling that I never felt before.

There were matches when I was in that zone of fearlessness. I was consumed with that desire to beat my opponent.

I wish to taste that again.

Even as I fatigue from restless sleep.

Even as some friends come and go.

I want that power again.

I’m still scared. But I fear the fate of my friend more than the fate of myself.

When I have that power in my hands once again, I can hold my fate.

And be able to confront such suffering in this world.

Want to know how my dad became friends with Sallie?

Her late husband liked my dad’s music a lot.

My dad played his music for her husband while he was on his deathbed.

To use something of yours that you’re passionate about to relieve the suffering of others; I’d like to find that.

I tried doing that once fairly recently, writing a letter to a suicidal mother. I didn’t expect to save her, but I hoped to relieve her a bit.

No such relief came.

I can see my friend’s hurt in her face nowadays.

She once told me, “You’re such a happy spirit. I wish I could be more like you.”

But I can’t be happy as one of my closest friends is like this.

However, I can find this power again.

And perhaps when I finally drive my fate, I’ll finally be able to help her.

And kinda be like my dad someday.

Few people get to see what I really feel.

Sometimes I wonder if I just have some kind of odd charade going on all the time during school.

But I guess everybody plays that little game all the time too.

Friends Aren’t Replaceable

My friends are NOT dispensable, replaceable commodities. I can’t just pick one off the shelf of some Friends R Us store and say to myself, “Gee, I think this one can understand me pretty well, I think I’ll get this one.” I can’t take one to a store clerk and ask if the friend comes with a lifetime warranty. Because they are NOT dispensable, replaceable commodities.

Perhaps friendship ROLES are replaceable, because those can be dynamic and aren’t always static. But FRIENDS aren’t replaceable. The way they fill those roles, the things they’ve done for you… that can’t be replaced.

Rants on College and Being a Student and P. Diddy’s Son

My English teacher this year is pretty awesome. I’m lucky to get two great ones twice in a row. I think that having strong outside perspectives to help shape my writing during my later years in high school is invaluable.

Right now I’m just being a bad kid. I have some free time with the computers as my teacher meets with students individually for their personal statements. I already did my English homework because I thought it was due today, soooooo…

College essays are… interesting, I suppose. The process kinda sucks. You can’t write an essay that comes off as cheesy and you have to present an experience that was meaningful to you. Not to mention the word cap. Oh God, the word cap. Two essays, neither of which exceed the 1,000 word limit. That’s hard.

Fully understandable though. College admissions offices must be tiring places to work in. You have all of these bright kids trying to get in, and an essay can be the thing that gets one kid in instead of the other. I can only imagine the towering stacks of paper that the college admission staff has to go through.

This is the only part of our educational system in which I sympathize with the people who’re a part of it. Well, maybe that’s not quite true. I also sympathize with the people of the College Board who read AP and SAT essays. I heard from a teacher that they basically sit inside a room and grade papers for hours straight. I know how I get when I read for hours straight. If I read an essay while processing what the student is trying to say and decide on how well they said it, then my brain would die a lot more quickly.

Our educational system is currently overrated in the first place. It would be nice to have lived in the time when I could pay my tuition off with a summer job but nooooooo, we just had to let the schools go on their own and raise tuition costs to ridiculous levels. The whole point of getting a degree is to be able to raise your own socioeconomic status. How effective is the process of getting a degree when you reach your destination with loads of debt? That’s right, it’s not.

Did you hear about that scandal with P. Diddy’s son getting a full ride to UCLA? It’s old news, but some people might be out of the loop on this. You know, people like me.

Anyway, I’m not really sure how I feel about this. Justin Combs is a great student with a 3.75 GPA and a love for football. However, he’s a son of a rich rapper, who wouldn’t be very affected if he had to pay all of Combs’ tuition. Yet, the guy got a full ride. A lot of people aren’t offended by this because apparently we divide scholarship funding between needs-based and accomplishments-based students. I suppose that he’s a well-rounded enough student to deserve an accomplishments-based scholarship, but getting a full ride, in which he doesn’t have to pay a cent, unsettles me.

It’s money that could be better spent. I don’t understand why nobody said, “Hey, why don’t we divert some of this funding over to a person who could use it?”

It’s probably because he is that good of an athlete, so they wanted to attract him with a strong bait. I guess that in itself is fine. But he better get played on the field pretty often. If somebody else is going to have several thousand more dollars in debt because the son of a rich rapper plays football well, it better be worth it.