My motivation is a mixture of sources. I use both pain and pleasure to guide me. Other people’s pain sometimes become my own and I try to push myself harder. Maybe it’s because I secretly hope that they’ll feel that I’m putting that much more into the world because I know that they hurt. I don’t know.
I was in the library one day and found a folded piece of paper. I found pain. I was confused as to how something like this came into my life (I apologize for the shot, my webcam’s not the best).
One folded column had this short story on the “back”:
“What’s depression like?” he asked her gently. She let her fingers trail over the deep scars on her wrists and said, “It’s like drowning, but you can see everyone else breathing. It sucks, you know. When everything is done fine then, it crashes again. And the worst part is, I really don’t want to try and put it all back together again, but I have to.”
Another column had this poem, which the author titled A Suicide Note:
I had meant to go to bed
but somehow fell into the sea.
The waves cradled me in
And rocked me gently to sleep.
There was also a heavy theme of cutting, which was only lightly touched upon in the first passage I shared. Here are two passages:
I relapsed last night. I cut using a knife and I have never been happier. The voices shut up. Now back to the struggle of recovery.
Scars (n.): the reminders of battles we lost.
Simply put, this was not reading for the faint of heart.
I didn’t understand why the author wrote something like this and simply left the paper on the corner of a library desk. I did not understand why I picked up this piece of paper and pocketed it. I did not understand why I tried so hard to understand it. It was too dark to be a school project… or was it? But nobody would leave their school project, neatly folded, on the corner of a desk and unaccompanied.
I tried assimilating what the author and illustrator felt when they made this piece. By the looks of the writing and the art style, it was probably a chick who made it. I found her pain. Now I will remember it.