Stuff Everybody Around Me Says

“I have too many weird sound effects.”

“If I’m rapping in front of you, you’re probably dreaming.”

“You hella undainty.”

“It’s like Jim is gay for Huck.”

“My life will be filled with unicorns, cherries, and trees.”

“Aw man, I wish I had trumpet sex.”

“That can’t be an obsession; you can’t be a serial rapist.” (Guess again, bud)

“I’m sorry you have to take pills.”

(In a quiet, trailing voice) “Can I talk about how Mark Twain uses silence throughout the book?”

“It’s Friday, I don’t know what I’m saying.”

“All they had to work with were men and wood.”

“You’re supposed to explode.”

“That’s how you know the rape is coming.”

“That’s why I don’t take Art History, so, uh, get blown by a piranha.”

“I don’t like her: I said she was a pleasure-seeking hoe.”

“I like 69 even better.” (Yes, my math teacher actually said that)

“Cosine likes to be irritating.”

“How do you give a virgin birth anyway?”

“The levels of geopolitical butthurt are too high.”

“We’re going to have another apocalypse next year.”

“Fapping to the SAT: creating an emotional bond with a test.”

“I felt sick the whole time because I had been up at night watching ET and crying. That movie was the scariest shit I had ever seen.”

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