Reflections Part 5: Serenity Arc

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From the second girl, I learned serenity and self-acceptance. For several years, I was like any other human being, especially one of adolescent age: I was torn apart by self-hatred, seeking acceptance from my friends and any other people I thought of as important for giving myself a sense of self-worth. The self-hatred was something that I still did not understand at the time. Why did I feel so worthless? Why did it even begin? My heart was sick and it had a void in it. I wanted to fill it in, but didn’t know where to start. That was before I met Daisy. This girl was nothing short of fascinating.

Dipesh, a friend, was talking too much as always. I do not recall in what context he was saying this or why he would even say it in a classroom, but he remarked upon Daisy’s sadness. I looked over at this girl, and it was as if I did feel sadness from her. A hope was born: maybe she could understand my own sadness. After school ended, I befriended this girl and talked with her on Facebook (surprise, surprise) over the same summer that I thanked Chelsey.

When I talked with her, I felt secure, safe. Her quirkiness gave her a freedom over many girls at our school, who suppress their natures in order to come off as more ideal. Her nature was even more unsuppressed in person, as her body seemed to be animated by an uncontainable energy. The safety that I felt as well as the combo of the sensation that I was able to see a genuine side to her the whole time lead me to develop affections for her.

Affections aside, there was something that particularly impressed me though. She had this one picture on Facebook with her smiling and holding up a “V for victory” sign with her hands. In the description of her picture, she thanked her friends for helping her through her rough year. It read:

I have to say… even though life has been a little too crazy, but my love for choir has never diminished. I will never forget all the good and bad memories I had with this group. 2011-2012 AHS Choir Ensemble, the Variety Show is our last performance together. Thank you all for such an amazing year; thanks for being there for me. For those few special ones, thank you for your support at all times, and help me grow stronger as a person. I will not forget the lessons that I’ve learned these past few months and I’ll try my best to always keep that smile on my face.

Lastly, Patricia. Thank you for harmonizing and practicing Keep Holding On with me over and over. We’ve made it! The message from the song is for you and the other friends who are still here to cheer me up on a bad day and laugh with me on a good day.

05/24/12 has become one of the most important dates in my life that I’ll never forget. Thank you all for being part of it. ♥ 

I realized I had come across something huge. The smile in the picture and her value of her friends were both things I would do well to remember.

One day, I admitted my feelings because she asked me. I guess I was being too much of a pest. I couldn’t really contain myself, but it happened. Afterwards, I went to bed and cried. But these weren’t tears of pain, no. There was no pain, even though I embarrassed her so. Instead, my tears formed a gateway to a place within my heart where love and peace dwell.

It was a real warm place, this expansive meadow where gentle slopes filled the background. At the epicenter, there was a flower: a daisy. Naturally, it was the kind of flower I could think of. I admired daisies for their simplicity, and this one matched well with this environment, where the grass was of a bright monochrome of green and the hills sloped gently, caressed by an easy breeze. It was in this place that I started to remember Chelsey’s embrace. It was in this place that I started to forgive myself and accept myself for who I was.

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