First Outpour

Hmmmmmm….
What is on my mind? Not sure. I think the ladies are usually on my mind when it comes that I have some spare time to think about them. The ladies have a great influence on me. I deactivated my Facebook account and put myself on a necessary hiatus because I am inspired to forge ahead with greater ambitions than getting some likes on my thoughts. Well… yeah, I mean, it’s pretty important to just go and do things. Facebook allowed me to dwell too much on things. So I used my ladies as an inspirational springboard to take action. Done with enslavement to the time slut, I venture off and see what’s really inside me.

Hm. I know I’ve had great affections for a few. My soft spots usually dwell around for a long period of time. I’m surprised at how much of a romantic I can be. Some I simply want to get closer to because I don’t really know much about them. I can’t say to you that I really really know this person and that person. It was only till this year rolled around that I started opening up and others opened up to me too. It’s like a bunch of people decided at the same time that I make a good confidant for their problems. It’s a funny thing. I never asked to be trusted with great secrets, yet I got them anyway. All I wanted was respect. But I guess the ladies taught me that trust and respect aren’t mutually exclusive of each other.

Hehe. Bestie. I pucked up a conversation today with her. I just simply ended it with a bad joke. I could’ve made up for the excessive, try-hard, over-baked joke, but alas, time stole me away. What the hell man. I hate it when that happens. Knowing that I’m one of her closest friends though… feels nice. It feels nice to know that that you’re an inspiration to the person who inspires you most. I don’t even know how that happens. It seems too ridiculous. My problems are hardly anything compared to what some of my friends have. Sometimes my friends literally have nowhere to go to. Sometimes they’re simply lost. Sometimes they’re simply frustrated with people. Sometimes things get rough at home. I don’t really have any of that. My home is pucked sometimes and I want to scream out, “Shut up everyone!” because it gets a bit much for me, but I was never beaten or showed hate, or just… I don’t know, it’s not like I don’t feel loved or anything.

This year was a true turn-around in terms of connecting with people. It’s nice. Hm. Ha, and then there’s Nini. I don’t know what’s going on with me and that girl. I remember her saying something among the lines of “Nothing is ever going to happen, and nothing ever will,” but that was before she was dating that real intense looking guy who seemed kind of a downer. It was just how he carried himself, I have no idea whether or not he was really like that. Whatever. But then this girl clings to me as often as she can. She’s even nibbled on me a few times. Today, she did that too, but it was more of a smooch. It was odd. Moist lips on my neck… it’s something new for this virgin boy. Boy. I consider myself closer to a man than a boy, but I’m just a boy too. I guess I’m more mature and accepting than the average male, but hm. Yeah, can’t call myself a man if I’m just 16, right? I don’t even know how to drive. I don’t even have a job. I don’t even provide for a family. I don’t even know how to make love.

This girl also claims that she likes no one. I don’t buy it. Her affections seem more than platonic. I doubt that this is a friends-with-benefits kind of deal either. I feel like people explicitly agree whether or not they just want the benefits with no strings attached. Jeez. And she was sad today too. I didn’t know why. She’s a good friend, and her clinging to me means that I think of her often. Naturally, as a hot-blooded male with an excitable pubescent sex drive. Shit. Sometimes physiology sucks. I know she’s pretty sensitive too. One time I was going on a run and I saw her by herself. I finished my run first and then came by her side. She said she just felt like being by herself. I understand the feeling. People really can be too much for each other. I feel like that this was some kind of turning point for our relationship though. I don’t really know where this lead to; I guess it lead to a stronger friendship. I think it was a moment that she might remember for a long time, but at the time that I was doing that, I didn’t think about that too much. I thought more about the person who did a similar gesture for me too.

Ayleng, with her boyfriend, once approached me while I was by myself. Just to see if I was alright. I actually was alright at the time, I was just wanting to sit somewhere else for lunch, just to mix things up a little. Since she was with her boyfriend, it’s actually amazing to me that she noticed that I was by myself. Teens get all infatuated with each other sometimes and they just close off the world… but she saw that I was by myself. Like, shit. That takes me aback. But ever since then, I never thought of friendships the same way ever again. I told myself that I would do the same if I ever saw a friend by themselves. And this came the Nini moment. Sigh.

My relationship with Bestie is the one that I most want to develop. There isn’t a moment that passes by that I don’t want to be with her. She’s so busy though. Doing what she loves. So that’s why I ragequit on Facebook. So I can raise my standards closer to hers. And in that way, maybe I can be closer with her. Hopefully that botched conversation won’t be of too much detriment.

I remember though when Daisy and I were concerned with Bestie’s state, so we both hugged her at the same time, with Bestie in the middle. I didn’t even realize it, but she reached up to hold my hand, which was on Daisy’s back to complete the sandwich. Dayum. It’s deep, man. I also remember when she lost her voice one day and I was glad to be able to hug her because I recovered from some contagious nasty skin business that I caught from wrestling. When I hugged her, we kind of just stayed there, and after a bit she even squeezed me tighter. Bestie’s real strong. But that closeness… hm, sometimes I would like to get in her head a little.

That embrace reminded me of the one I had with Chelsey Chen. The embrace that started it all. The beginning of the end of my self-hatred. I’d also like to get to know her well. She’s really busy too. I’m not sure if she’s doing things she loves though, or if she lives in those kinds of families, but either way, her skillset is impressive as well due to the time she invests in it. Sigh.

I really would like some kind of anchor for my affections though. Sometimes I feel too amorous and man-slutty. Some kind of reference point that I can just dump my affections on. And she’ll accept gratefully and return her own. I view my own affections as too haphazard, so I think that a relationship would be fairly healthy. I don’t know if I can make that investment though. I’m pretty busy doing my physical training. Though… it would give me more to write about. Nice, juicy, delicious writing content. An enhancement to my romantic nature.

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